My Blowup Date
by SpellboundWinter
Summary: Loneliness makes normal people do weird things, like have intimate conversations with a girl who could pass as a floatation device. Or maybe that's just me... Well, except the normal part. One-shot.


**A short, silly One-shot.**

**Because you have to admit Tweek is cute. :3**

* * *

_I'm not normal._

I'm afraid of being killed. I'm the man who's constantly checking every nook and cranny of the house with a baseball bat, hunting for someone who isn't there. I chase my own shadows.

I'm afraid of growing old. My hair is white from being so on edge. Every time I look in the mirror, I see more grey then blond. I started to grab at the chunks, tearing them away from my skull.

I'm afraid of people looking at me different. Back when I was in school I'd have these mini-seizures, staring into space for minutes at a time. Absent seizures are worse than the twitchy ones. At least when you end up in a convulsing mess on the floor people try to look away but, if you're staring into space, people can't help but look.

I'm afraid of being alone. I'm the boy who nobody wants around. I'm the boy everyone forgot about after high school. Have you forgotten my name as well? Tweek Tweak?

_But, I'm not weird either._

My marbles fell right out of my head and onto the floor, scattering away to the far corners of the world never to be seen again.

People don't want to hang around some tall guy that twitches or someone who sees underpants gnomes around three in the morning. I can admit, I'm a little _different_.

I don't have friends, instead I have acquaintances.

I'm not attractive. My personality is lackluster. I know deep down, I'm a good guy. I have feelings too, tons of them. I can be sweet and sometimes over apologetic but I know that I deserve to be treated like a person. I know it's easy to forget.

You don't have to tell me, I'm undesirable but... even the undesirable want love. I want someone to tell me they love me and I want to tell someone I love them.

I'm afraid of falling in love. I'm afraid of getting too close. I'm afraid of intimacy.

Another year went by and I was still just as lonely. Nothing had changed. I still worked in that coffee shop, no college, no girlfriend and... I figured at that time, I was wasting my life away.

I have no ambitions. I understand that's just another negative but I'm scared of the future and most importantly I'm scared of the unknown.

I tried picking up hobbies. I even tried playing the keyboard. I should have known it would have been a disaster from the start. My hands couldn't keep up with the keys and I eventually gave that up as well. I did that with every hobby I came across... Painting, writing and even sowing. Yeah, sowing, I failed at that too.

So, my twenty-third birthday came around and the guys surprised me and took me out for dinner, I was ecstatic. I needed time away from my boring life. Coffee and gifts, what could be better?

I pressed the play button on the remote, the TV roaring with sound of previews. Clyde got me this stupid gift. I told him I wouldn't use it but...

I was all alone with her tonight.

I took a seat beside her with a bashful smile. "Caramel? Like a caramel mocha? You look like a Cara." I scooted a little closer. "It's a really pretty name. It s-suits you."

Well, she wasn't a normal girl by any means but...

I let out a little chuckle, patting down my cowlicks. "Yeah, I tried to look my best tonight, thanks for noticing!" I sneaked my arm around the top of the couch, trying to grab the shoulder that was tempting me.

Um, the girl... well she...

She had an opened mouth with a shocked expression. Lips were as red as freshly picked roses and hair that reminded me of a lightly brewed coffee. That's my attempt of being poetic, how am I doing?

Not that good.

I had put one of my shirts around her to… hide her shame. She came right out of the box naked. You can't have a romantic evening when your nude. Ngh, I mean you can but... I want something more than a screw.

"Agh! I know! I'm sorry, I'm being too forward." I put my hand behind my head, scratching at the exposed skin on my neck fretfully. "It's just you know… I've never had a date before."

I moved even closer, placing my hand on her smoother, more round ones. "I made popcorn, do you want any?"

If you couldn't tell... my date was a blowup doll. And, Clyde bought it for me as a present for, 'not getting any cookie', whatever that means. I like cookies but I'm not really into sweets. Once in a blue moon would I eat a sugar cookie.

I threw a few kernels of popcorn in her awaiting mouth, giggling like a donkey with a hoarse throat. "Cara, you're good at this," I didn't know what I said until after I said it. "Oh! Jesus! I didn't mean it dirty or anything!"

She sat there completely still with her mouth still in that 'O' position.

The movie was fun, I was able to really talk to her and tell her my thoughts and feelings. I dunno, sitting with Cara was nice. She listened. She didn't give me any looks or... try to subtly run away from me like a few girls I knew. It was actually an enjoyable experience.

I swung her up bridal style in my arms, carrying her to the kitchen table. I planned something really romantic. I slid Cara down in one of the chairs as I opened up the fridge, pulling out one of the containers of fresh strawberries I got that morning. I saw it in the movies so, uhm...

I'm not very good at this stuff am I?

I set the container out in front of her with a fork in hand. "You know, I'm not that good with the girls..." I peered at her blank expression as I held back a chuckle. "Oh, you can't even tell? Thank you."

Talking with her made me feel less alone.

"Well, it's not very often I can talk to girls. Most of the time they just look at me funny." I pierced a plump red berry with the fork before letting out a small twitch and nervous sound. "Ngh! Did you know the strawberry isn't a berry?" I lifted the utensil, plopping the pseudo-berry in her mouth.

"You didn't? Well, the more you know!"

I jittered, placing another in her mouth, trying not to stab her. I had really unsteady hands, imagine that?

"You're really good at listening. You know, I feel like I can be myself around you and you wouldn't judge me." I scooped up another strawberry, stuffing it into her mouth. The large load of strawberries eventually avalanched onto the floor with a few thumps and taps. I ignored it.

I was too busy laughing.

"I really can't talk to girls. They don't like me because they think I'm weird. But, you don't think I am. And that makes me happy... Really happy." I could feel tears prick the corners of my eyes as I let my head slam to the table. "I'm so stupid, sitting here with a blowup doll talking to it like it's really real. I'm pathetic, huh?"

Just then, I felt something soft touch my hand. I lifted my head to see the blowup doll start to shrivel, leaning into me, holding my hand in a sense.

Her head deflated and her whole body started to crinkled up and go flat. "Jesus Christ! Cara!" I panicked, flinging my chair to the ground as I snatched her up close like in one of those Spanish soap operas. What can I say, I love Telanovelas.

"Don't die on me, man. Please..." I held the withered piece of plastic close, breathing into her now crumpled mouth. Only parts of her started to inflate but soon went back to that creased look.

Typical.

Even a blow up doll doesn't want to listen to me chatter incoherently. It had seemingly committed suicide. I couldn't help clutch the doll close. "I just want someone to talk to." I mumbled out thoughtlessly.

...That was it wasn't it? I didn't want to get in some plastic girls mouth... no, I was lonely. I wanted someone, anyone to talk to. I really noticed how lonely I had become. Over the years, I had become so... Withdrawn.

I'd enjoyed conversations with a plastic woman.

I could hear someone at the front door, knocking loudly. Was it my parents?! Horror washed over me as I gathered the doll in my arms, my eyes switching all around. I needed to hide the body.

The door opened.

Oh god! My parents are going to think I'm some sort of pervert! What am I saying, I'm a pervert for even having this! I ran to the garbage can, whipping my date inside before turning around to see a familiar boy in blue. Craig.

"Do you ever answer you phone?" Craig took a fleeting glance at me then at the arm hanging out of the trash bin. I could see the left side of his mouth twitch just slightly into a smirk.

He made his way passed me with a certain glint in his eyes. Jesus Christ! I had to stop him! I clutched onto his arm, trying to drag him back. "Uhm, I'm having a seizure! Agh, look!"

Craig didn't even blink, ripping himself away from me, getting ever so closer to the trash can. I tugged on the hood of his indigo hoodie, yanking him back. I whirled him around, dragging him close. "Agh! Craig... Kiss me!" I snapped my eyes shut, leaning down.

The boy in blue didn't seem fazed as he spat. "Get your nasty coffee breath out of my face." He reached out a hand. and pushed me away with a swift motion.

Agh! I've been caught.

I gave up, shutting my eyes tight. I could hear his footsteps get closer and closer... until I heard the flip of the lid some rustling.

"Did you pop her already? Ha, you were more lonely than I thought." he was teasing, this I could tell but I wasn't in the mood. I let my eyes snap open, seeing him stare down at the evidence in the trash.

"I was trying to be romantic with some strawberries and she must have gotten a hole when I was feeding her." I chewed on the inside of my cheek, hiding the tears that began to threaten to spill out.

"Tweek, you put your dick in her mouth, not strawberries and definitely not forks. Blowup dolls really don't like sharp things."

I tried to keep a calm composure but I ended up Tweeking out as usual. That's how I got my name you know? "I have to hide the body! I'll have to keep this a secret forever and change my name. I'm thinking Mike." I yanked at my hair, crying out. "AGH! Craig, I killed her!"

"You bastard." he said almost amused. That was Kyle's line.

I swooped down suddenly and clutch onto him, hiding my face in his shoulder. Craig stiffened at the sudden contact but eventually patted my back awkwardly but... soothingly too. "I didn't think you'd be like Lenny from Mice and Men. Come on, I'll bury it in the back yard if it makes you feel any better."

"It's not funny!"

"You are Tweek, you're one funny guy."

I tried to hold back a loud sob, "Am I weird?"

"No, not normal but definitely not weird."


End file.
